The U.S. Rick Rolled Me

This is how I feel about the majority of the United States:

Success?

I was riding in the van today, recollecting about whether seafood was good or not, when I realized it has been over four years since I have intentionally eaten any kind of meat.
95 x 4 = 380. Let the autofellatio begin.

Captain's Log, Day 9

Here we are at VIMS Eastern Shore Lab, watching everyone else devour the delicate marine ecosystems. Some might say this is too harsh. I disagree. Knowing exactly how important some components of the ecosystem are to the Bay (including filter-feeding bivalves) and then eating them is pretty destructive. Also, "this is one of few remaining crucial but fragile seagrass beds in this area. We're going to trawl it." But I digress.
Yesterday, we were taking quizzes about what kind of vegan are you, how much do you know about veganism, etc. As it turns out, I am a vegan vixen, with my second option being a militant vegan, and Erica was the reverse. But we also took quizzes about "What kind of diet do you keep?" and it rated us on a scale of vegan "chillness". According to the website, chillness is a measure of how much you actually try to keep animal products out of your food. A chill vegan will eat bread baked with dairy but not consume straight dairy. A very chill vegan will eat cheese pizza when she is feeling especially chill. That sounds more like vegancurious or veganflexible to me, not someone who actually cares about what animal products go into her food.
Which brings me to my next point:
Having to monitor exactly what kind of bread the very sweet receptionist gets when she goes to the grocery store (Stroehmann Split Top Wheat Family Size) is pretty ridiculous. I feel like maybe vegans/kosher jews/lactose intolerants/any people who give a shit about what is in their food should be able to eat bread without fear. Except most of my food is cross-contaminated with milk products and bits of insects. Wtf the FDA.

Chick-fil-a

So I saw an advertisement for Chick-fil-a on a billboard the other day. And it hit me how sick and twisted we are. In the ads, the cows are trying to convince people to eat more chicken. I'm assuming this is because they don't want to die. So we as consumers recognize that the cows don't want to die? That it's something that would cause them suffering? And yet we think nothing of it. We give our food a voice, but only for our own twisted comedy.

Just some "food for thought."

Iron Man? Ironless

So as I'm watching Iron Man, the last thing I expect to happen in the midst of all the U.S. propaganda-style self-love is a comment that would get my vegan senses tingling. Well, apparently Marvel has marvelous expertise in all areas of "American" stereotypes. As Tony Stark returns from captivity, he refuses medical care and demands "an American cheeseburger." When he continues to refuse hospitalization and pushes his meat-eating agenda, the audience applauses and explodes with laughter. I, on the other hand, can't help but feel disgusted that such an unhealthy and inhumane way of living has taken such a hold on our society.

What was the above story leading up to you ask? As a result of this meat-loving society we live in, I often observe several very similar reactions and responses when someone learns of my veganism, and I've decided to make a list.

What do you eat?
Well, I don't know. You're right. Even though the majority of the food on the food pyramid is vegan, I don't know what to eat. It's not like I can consume grains, vegetables, fruits, and legumes or anything.

Where do you get your protein?
Oh my gosh I hadn't thought of this. I mean there definitely isn't protein in potatoes and everything else I eat. Surely I can never build any muscle and I will waste away so as not to threaten your preconceived notions about nutrition.

So, why are you vegan? [after some explanation on my part] I feel the need to defend my position even though I just asked you to defend yours.
Yes. You are awesome for what you eat. I can see how being uneducated about alternative diets could lead you to believe your diet is the only path.

Animals were put on earth for us to eat. It's just natural for us to eat and exploit them for their products.
Ah, of course. Like that one time when we had to build tools and machines to kill and collect animal products. Or when we selectively bred and domesticated many different species, practically destroying biodiversity. That was awesome and definitely natural.

Is _______ vegan? [fill in the blank with yogurt, cheese, sour cream, etc.]
No.
Oh, right. That's dairy lols!

If we don't eat cows, they will go extinct! How inhumane of you.
Oh, I'm sorry. You are totally right. By creating a demand for cow production, you're saving the species. Not to mention that you're causing the births of even more cows that will end up suffering on factory farms until their brutal and untimely deaths. And also that supply and demand don't work overnight, so how could slowly weaning the industry off of beef eliminate an entire species?

Cows have to produce milk. We're just relieving them.
I find that human mothers always produce milk, and it's especially painful by the time the child is in high school.

Okay, so those were just a few of the many questions and statements vegans receive. There are simply too many for just one post. I also wanted to correct my previous post. It turns out progesterone is not in birth control pills. The pills contain a progestin.

So Why Vegan?

Random Stranger: So, why are you a vegan?
Me: Do you really want to know, or are you just making conversation? Because it's a long answer--you can't leave out humane, health, environmental, world hunger, etc issues.
Random Stranger: Uhhh...

Random Stranger #2: So, why are you a vegan?
Me: Let's start at the beginning. You know how everything is a social construct? That is, rules and customs are set up by certain cultures, so people know how to live by pretending that these ideas actually exist?
RS 2: Sure, I've taken a sociology class. I'll play along.
Me: Think of it this way. You've had a pet--a cat or a dog, right?
RS 2: Sure.
Me: But you know that other cultures eat cats and dogs, right? So what gives? Do they just not know that cats and dogs are pet animals, not food animals?
RS 2: I think I see what you're getting at. The idea of a separation between pets and farm animals is a social construct, and the line varies between cultures. So what does this have to do with being vegan?
Me: You can live your whole life eating pigs with a dog in the house, and maybe even think about how farm animals and companion animals aren't really different, and probably even know that pigs are generally smarter than dogs and abused horrifically in the factory farming system. And a lot of people function with that knowledge every day, and continue omnivorous lifestyles. But if one day you get a paradigm shift, where the significance of it all finally clicks, then you'll stop eating meat.

Awful Puns and Animal Proteins

Just so you can understand our brilliance, this blog title is quite quite possibly the greatest and worst pun of all time. It can be read as My Vegan's Log, the meaning of which is obvious. It can also be read as My Vegan Slog. Yes, that's right. Slog is a word meaning, among other things, "a long session of hard work." An accurate account, I feel.

So just to get this blog started let's talk about sex.

Just how exciting is hot sweaty vegan sex? Pretty darn exciting when you take protection and birth control into account. First of all, latex production uses casein, a delicious milk protein perfect for thirsty vaginas and penises. Certainly our genitalia will feel refreshed. Then you have the pill. Evidently, ingesting animal products is super effective at scaring away sperm. Not only is the pill made up of animal-derived and animal-tested ingredients, one of the hormones, progesterone, may actually be from horse urine. AWESOME. Luckily I hate babies more than I love animals.