Diets that (don't) work

So I was reading the CNN main page headlines, which I like to do so I can at least pretend I am keeping up with world news. And since CNN mixes fun stuff in there, it's also hilarious. So today I saw this link to "The top 10 healthiest diets in America", and naturally I get excited thinking that they could possibly talk about raw veganism or something equally awesome.
Well, here's the list:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/29/healthiest.diets/index.html
They pick 10 weird diets, whatever, Weight Watchers is the only one I've heard of, and they list the various fallbacks of the 10 diets. The amazing part? No kind of vegan diet made the cut, and the only vegetarian diet on the list is described as "just too hard to sustain".
REALLY?
Vegetarian diets, which are credited with lowering the risk of colon and prostate cancer, heart attacks, high cholesterol and blood pressure, and stroke, are well worth any difficulty. And at least in my case, the difficulty that one might have in maintaining it only serves to boost my self-esteem, give me another reason to change the world, and add some deeper meaning to my daily routine.
I'm coming out of the vegan closet: it's easy, and I feel great in every way. Take THAT, top 10 american diets.

Animal Rights

Humans rights abuses are pimples on the face of society, showing time and again that people are easily able to forget their own humanity. But what about animal rights abuses? People have a hard time remembering their human relatives, let alone that they are also animals. Animal rights is a pimple on the face of society too, but it is one that lies deep under the surface, causing much pain and redness, but not yet emerging to heal. It's one of those you know is simply filled with sebum, waiting to explode, but you can't pop it or do anything to heal it until moves to the surface.

What I'm trying to say is, I feel like animal rights is an issue that has been recognized by some, but definitely not taken seriously by others, and, therefore, has not even begun its biggest fight. I am often tempted to add in the question of, "was that person vegetarian?" when evaluating moral character, but as soon as that idea is brought into the topic, people seem to take away my legitimacy and refuse to hear what I have to say. It is crazy enough for me to mention women's rights or immigration law reform... god forbid I mention animal rights! But these issues are interrelated as all injustices are. We must fight "the man" in unison.

Which led me to thinking about how the animal rights movement might play out in the future. Will it be like other movements that have continued to marginalize groups within the larger group? Will pigs' rights come before cows' rights? Will we fight vivisection before we eliminate factory farms? Will we forget how other injustices are related to the cause? How environmental injustice is directly related to farm animal injustice, for example?

I am wondering how this will play out.

I am hoping we remember the necessity for inclusion.

I'm going to eat 3 year old children

This is equivalent to eating pigs.

Species don't exist. Get over yourselves. That ugly kid you see is just a rearrangement of the same molecules that make up a pig.

So go on and feast upon the flesh of intelligent beings! Just be fair in your judgment of food. Hypocrites aren't allowed into heaven.

Vegan Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for vegans. It is a holiday based on the murder of members of other species, particularly turkeys. I could not help but be offended at the utter disregard for life at the latest presidential turkey pardon. The whole issue is treated as a joke. Bush says of the two pardoned turkeys: "They will not be trotting to their finish," which of course is met with laughter from the audience. They recognize that many other turkeys are perishing, which is acceptable to them, and saving a turkey is somehow humorous. For now my strategy for surviving Thanksgiving is to surround myself with other vegans and vegan food and when eating with my family at the table I will proudly display my separate tofurkey, non-dairy mashed potatoes, and vegetable broth stuffing.

lol wut

“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”
- Anthony Bourdain, host of No Reservations, “Kitchen Confidential,” p. 70

Animal Abuse?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/09/18/actor.cat.cruelty.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

So I was reading this article and I almost cried because it is super sad and the cat looked super sweet, plus thinking about how like, people who abuse animals also abuse people (please note the way he chose to wake his girlfriend), but then I got more upset thinking about the way farm animals are treated in this country, tormented and killed in the millions for basically no better reason than this guy had, and yet he is facing criminal charges while people who facilitate the beating to death of cows and pigs make the big bucks. I don't get it. This is one of the top reasons I won't date a meat-eater. Anyone who thinks it's ok to kill, thinks it's ok to kill YOU. Maybe.

I Love This Creepy Vegan Pig

http://youtube.com/watch?v=05zhL1YUd8Q

I wrote this song a real long time ago, a real real long time ago

Even while on vacation, I was thinking and observing for you. Here are the gems of wisdom I came up with (and am now posting a month later, whoops):
Have you ever noticed how carnivores, when they realize there is more than one veghead in a room, have to find and loudly congratulate each other? As though they are maybe upholding justice as the last stronghold of animal-eaters? What is the deal?
Also, when people see me eating veggieburgers, they act like they have caught me in some act of treason, and accuse me of secretly craving meat, and assert that if I want it so bad, I should just eat meat and get over it. All rational arguments aside, I came up with a mildly witty retort: “No, you just crave the flavorful succulence of vegetables and are trying to re-create it by cooking and seasoning that bland flesh just right, but give it up already. Vegetables are soooo much easier.”

From OBX, with love
P.S. I read some pages from the book Skinny Bitch, which advises women on how to become a skinny bitch (bitch in the sense that other women are overwhelmed with jealousy of how good you look). The book advocates veganism and is also hilarious. When I read it, I will submit a full report.

Vindication

I received this wall post recently from my delicious vegan friend. Enjoy.

"THIS GOES OUT TO ANYONE THAT HAS EVER GIVEN ME SHIT ABOUT BEING VEGAN...AND ALSO TO THOSE WHO HAVENT.....I recently had to give blood for my job since I work with toxic metals... Come to find out... my protein levels are 8.1 on a scale that is 6.0-8.0 and my iron count is 149 on a scale from 50-160. And my calcium was 9.8 on a scale of 8.5-10.5...Healthy as a horse."

BEES BEES BEES

People often get most hostile over honey. They just can't fathom why anyone would give up honey. What amazes me is that, out of all the other animal products, it seems to be the least pervasive in our food. So you'd think it'd be the last thing on their minds. Instead, it tends to be the last straw for them on the list of things I don't eat. It also tends to be the most difficult for me explain. So I found this following excerpt on a PETA site to explain for me:

From a former beekeeper: "[T]ypically, beekeepers are gloved and netted to avoid stings (nearly every bee who stings will die due to her entrails being pulled from her body attached to her stinger.) Then the hives are opened as quickly as possible and the bees are 'smoked.' Smoke from a smoldering fire carried in a 'smoker' is pumped into the hive and the bees are 'calmed.' In spite of this, the combs are pulled quickly and many bees are crushed in the process. When a bee is hurt, she releases a chemical message that alerts and activates the hive members who proceed to attack the intruder—giving their lives in the process."

So I was enjoying the latest issue of Cosmo and enjoying all of the entertaining and highly literary articles and features when I saw the word 'vegan' on a page, so naturally I was thrilled until I actually read the segment. It was about why your man is so thrilled to be grilling outside, and one of the reasons went something like this:
Even if he is cooking up vegetables for your cranky vegetarian friends (please never invite the vegans), he knows he'll be eating a great deal of meat shortly.
Aside from it being tremendously homoerotic, I was unamused. I don't believe that choosing to live a cruelty-free life makes someone "cranky", except when it results in such snarky treatment from those around them, who for whatever reason are threatened by the tastiness of veg girls. Vegans don't want to hang out with you anyway, Cosmo.

Not a Hamburger, Just a Salad

Short and sweet (sour?):

So I was thinking about what Rachel posted about the vegan quiz and vegan stereotypes. Why would vegans be labeled as militant? I know not everyone's reasons for veganism are the same, but for me, a lot of it is about compassion and nonviolence. I would propose the rest of society is much more militant as people support abuse and murder.

The U.S. Rick Rolled Me

This is how I feel about the majority of the United States:

Success?

I was riding in the van today, recollecting about whether seafood was good or not, when I realized it has been over four years since I have intentionally eaten any kind of meat.
95 x 4 = 380. Let the autofellatio begin.

Captain's Log, Day 9

Here we are at VIMS Eastern Shore Lab, watching everyone else devour the delicate marine ecosystems. Some might say this is too harsh. I disagree. Knowing exactly how important some components of the ecosystem are to the Bay (including filter-feeding bivalves) and then eating them is pretty destructive. Also, "this is one of few remaining crucial but fragile seagrass beds in this area. We're going to trawl it." But I digress.
Yesterday, we were taking quizzes about what kind of vegan are you, how much do you know about veganism, etc. As it turns out, I am a vegan vixen, with my second option being a militant vegan, and Erica was the reverse. But we also took quizzes about "What kind of diet do you keep?" and it rated us on a scale of vegan "chillness". According to the website, chillness is a measure of how much you actually try to keep animal products out of your food. A chill vegan will eat bread baked with dairy but not consume straight dairy. A very chill vegan will eat cheese pizza when she is feeling especially chill. That sounds more like vegancurious or veganflexible to me, not someone who actually cares about what animal products go into her food.
Which brings me to my next point:
Having to monitor exactly what kind of bread the very sweet receptionist gets when she goes to the grocery store (Stroehmann Split Top Wheat Family Size) is pretty ridiculous. I feel like maybe vegans/kosher jews/lactose intolerants/any people who give a shit about what is in their food should be able to eat bread without fear. Except most of my food is cross-contaminated with milk products and bits of insects. Wtf the FDA.

Chick-fil-a

So I saw an advertisement for Chick-fil-a on a billboard the other day. And it hit me how sick and twisted we are. In the ads, the cows are trying to convince people to eat more chicken. I'm assuming this is because they don't want to die. So we as consumers recognize that the cows don't want to die? That it's something that would cause them suffering? And yet we think nothing of it. We give our food a voice, but only for our own twisted comedy.

Just some "food for thought."

Iron Man? Ironless

So as I'm watching Iron Man, the last thing I expect to happen in the midst of all the U.S. propaganda-style self-love is a comment that would get my vegan senses tingling. Well, apparently Marvel has marvelous expertise in all areas of "American" stereotypes. As Tony Stark returns from captivity, he refuses medical care and demands "an American cheeseburger." When he continues to refuse hospitalization and pushes his meat-eating agenda, the audience applauses and explodes with laughter. I, on the other hand, can't help but feel disgusted that such an unhealthy and inhumane way of living has taken such a hold on our society.

What was the above story leading up to you ask? As a result of this meat-loving society we live in, I often observe several very similar reactions and responses when someone learns of my veganism, and I've decided to make a list.

What do you eat?
Well, I don't know. You're right. Even though the majority of the food on the food pyramid is vegan, I don't know what to eat. It's not like I can consume grains, vegetables, fruits, and legumes or anything.

Where do you get your protein?
Oh my gosh I hadn't thought of this. I mean there definitely isn't protein in potatoes and everything else I eat. Surely I can never build any muscle and I will waste away so as not to threaten your preconceived notions about nutrition.

So, why are you vegan? [after some explanation on my part] I feel the need to defend my position even though I just asked you to defend yours.
Yes. You are awesome for what you eat. I can see how being uneducated about alternative diets could lead you to believe your diet is the only path.

Animals were put on earth for us to eat. It's just natural for us to eat and exploit them for their products.
Ah, of course. Like that one time when we had to build tools and machines to kill and collect animal products. Or when we selectively bred and domesticated many different species, practically destroying biodiversity. That was awesome and definitely natural.

Is _______ vegan? [fill in the blank with yogurt, cheese, sour cream, etc.]
No.
Oh, right. That's dairy lols!

If we don't eat cows, they will go extinct! How inhumane of you.
Oh, I'm sorry. You are totally right. By creating a demand for cow production, you're saving the species. Not to mention that you're causing the births of even more cows that will end up suffering on factory farms until their brutal and untimely deaths. And also that supply and demand don't work overnight, so how could slowly weaning the industry off of beef eliminate an entire species?

Cows have to produce milk. We're just relieving them.
I find that human mothers always produce milk, and it's especially painful by the time the child is in high school.

Okay, so those were just a few of the many questions and statements vegans receive. There are simply too many for just one post. I also wanted to correct my previous post. It turns out progesterone is not in birth control pills. The pills contain a progestin.

So Why Vegan?

Random Stranger: So, why are you a vegan?
Me: Do you really want to know, or are you just making conversation? Because it's a long answer--you can't leave out humane, health, environmental, world hunger, etc issues.
Random Stranger: Uhhh...

Random Stranger #2: So, why are you a vegan?
Me: Let's start at the beginning. You know how everything is a social construct? That is, rules and customs are set up by certain cultures, so people know how to live by pretending that these ideas actually exist?
RS 2: Sure, I've taken a sociology class. I'll play along.
Me: Think of it this way. You've had a pet--a cat or a dog, right?
RS 2: Sure.
Me: But you know that other cultures eat cats and dogs, right? So what gives? Do they just not know that cats and dogs are pet animals, not food animals?
RS 2: I think I see what you're getting at. The idea of a separation between pets and farm animals is a social construct, and the line varies between cultures. So what does this have to do with being vegan?
Me: You can live your whole life eating pigs with a dog in the house, and maybe even think about how farm animals and companion animals aren't really different, and probably even know that pigs are generally smarter than dogs and abused horrifically in the factory farming system. And a lot of people function with that knowledge every day, and continue omnivorous lifestyles. But if one day you get a paradigm shift, where the significance of it all finally clicks, then you'll stop eating meat.

Awful Puns and Animal Proteins

Just so you can understand our brilliance, this blog title is quite quite possibly the greatest and worst pun of all time. It can be read as My Vegan's Log, the meaning of which is obvious. It can also be read as My Vegan Slog. Yes, that's right. Slog is a word meaning, among other things, "a long session of hard work." An accurate account, I feel.

So just to get this blog started let's talk about sex.

Just how exciting is hot sweaty vegan sex? Pretty darn exciting when you take protection and birth control into account. First of all, latex production uses casein, a delicious milk protein perfect for thirsty vaginas and penises. Certainly our genitalia will feel refreshed. Then you have the pill. Evidently, ingesting animal products is super effective at scaring away sperm. Not only is the pill made up of animal-derived and animal-tested ingredients, one of the hormones, progesterone, may actually be from horse urine. AWESOME. Luckily I hate babies more than I love animals.